Sher.

Helloo..=)
Just came home from keats island. Our family friends’ church had a mass picnic there, and we were supposed to go somehow. Was a 2 hour ferry ride away, but guess it was worth it. Place was nice and peaceful… had time to think, spend some time alone with God, which left me kinda refreshed. The whole thing was really free and easy…just did whatever you wanted. On the way there, and while we were there, spent some time talking to and getting to know these two korean girls, who are homestays ( here to study English) at our family friends’ house. Really nice, and I was pretty thankful that they were there. Shermaine had her own friends (that lil’ DITCHER…haha..) and I got a little bored around the adults after a while. Nothing really much happened there…spotted this whole clump of caterpillars on a tree though..must’ve been about 30 yellow and black hairy crawlers there..haha…cool…like making little discoveries like that.=)
Oh, anyway, on the way there, my mom was just talking to this other lady also from Singapore. She was just telling her that my older sis went back to Singapore, and that’s why she’s not with us. And the lady said : “go back to spore? What on earth for?” at that moment, I was just kinda disgusted at her tone and show of contempt for the place. I mean, after all, it is where you’re from. I am proud of where I come from, and at least it was once home, and the place I grew up in. Funny how some sporean’s can’t wait to disown their affiliation with their country or something. Maybe it’s just that growing up in such a competitive society, you’re trained to always want to feel superior to the next person. The fact that we’re living in a Caucasian-dominated society unlike our sporean counterparts (sometimes deemed to be a more superior race, not by Caucasians themselves, but by Asians..) and that maybe Canada is naturally more beautiful, might make her feel like she has something to be proud of, and the contempt for her place of origin. And yet, even I catch myself sometimes trying to derive that feeling of being superior, of comparing myself with others, and thinking that I have to be better. Maybe it’s just an esteem booster, when in actual fact, while I’m doing all that comparing, I’m missing out on what might be. I wonder if it’s me, or if it’s the whole society and culture. I see this ugliness in myself, and I want to change.
Anyway, it was on the return journey when I did most of my thinking. Usually it’s just a mere ungraspable feeling that sets me searching and thinking about life and everything else. ( actually no..haha…I think ALL the time..=D..) I just suddenly unconsciously thought about my primary school band trips to Sabah, Sarawak, Thailand and Hong Kong. I think that was one of the best times of my primary school life. The kind that leaves you wishing you were back in the trip once it’s over. The thought was somehow accompanied by a rush of aliveness, or something I probably can’t describe as well. As if I was back there again. We had so much fun then. It was so brief, and ungraspable, it just set me searching for why i hardly feel that way anymore. I think sometimes when I say that I miss being a child, it’s more the feeling of childlike wonder of the world, the freeness of doing whatever your heart pleases, and being true to yourself. I hope that even as i grow up, i can still appreciate life for what it is, and not lose that joy( although i also believe that true joy is from God) that most adults seem to. It just seems like you get more cut off from yourself as you get older. i wanna capture that and hold on to it. Seriously. Maybe it’s just me, but teenhood and puberty (heehee..) brought on this amazing consciousness of self, such that I’m always embarrassed to be crazy in public (ok..FINE..sometimes I am..), say my mind ( I don’t mean mean stuff), and just be myself. But I think that, if you want to, you really can. Maybe, that’s the thing about life..if you’re too scared to be yourself, or to have the courage to do something, then you might not have that much fun in the end. But if you’re willing to look silly, to take the risk to open up yourself, you’d probably get so many fulfilling experiences, you wouldn’t have time to sit there and wish. Like what vinny said to me the other night, if you keep looking back, and holding on to the past to recapture whatever was there, you might just miss out on the future. So true huh. =) baby, I’m just so lucky to have you pointing me to where I should be looking. =) so anyway, while I’m still gonna treasure my past, I’m gonna open up myself to the future, and whatever it brings. i think the times i had fun were the times i really decided that i wanted to. =) Haha..one thing I’m gonna do is to be truthful about whether I’m really ‘away’ on icq or msn. Gonna be on online mode if I really am. Haha…I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that. It just feels so vunerable and open. I will be on online mode and talk to whoever who wants to chat. =)
Anyway, kinda getting a headache from staring at the screen so much..hah..gotta go have dinner..so nice to just slowly think things out while writing and to be able to figure it out and let it all out. Ok! Mom’s calling! Ciao!

posted by sheralyn @ 10:39 PM